Wow...that last time I posted anything was 10 months ago. It was a humorous story about my parents. This time it's not so funny. We lost our 7 year old Chocolate Lab named Mocha just 5 days ago to Kidney failure. It it so hard to know that I had to make that decision to put her down. She wasn't well I know, but there is that part of me that wonders if I had told them to treat her instead that maybe it would have worked. The doc said that ultimately we would be right back where we are now and it may only be a matter of a few short weeks. She didn't say the time part exactly, but I have been there and seen kidney failure before. Our 12 year Beagle Samantha died from kidney failure less than 48 hours before then 8 week old Mocha came to live with us. We had her treated for about 6 weeks before we accepted the fact that it wasn't working and I prayed that I wouldn't have to make the decision to put her down. It looked like I was going to have to do that anyway and I was trying to accept the responsibility for that awful task when God intervened. That same night Sam died in her sleep right next to my side of the bed. She was on the floor on a blanket and I could hear her labored breathing pretty well. I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that I couldn't hear her any longer. I then realized that God had answered my prayer and while I would have liked to have been with her when she died, at least I didn't have to make the decision and actually carry it out to have her put down. Jon buried her next to our bedroom on my side of the bed, so she would always sleep where she always had.
With Mocha it wasn't that way. I saw the signs and had hoped that I was misreading them. Mocha was born with what I always called an under developed bladder. She never had the muscle tone to keep from leaking urine. When we got her at 8 weeks she came with a bladder infection and would be prone to them throughout her life. She was on a steroid for incontinence from approximately 7 months of age. She had many bladder infections and when she was about 8 months old a strange one developed on her bladder, but not in her bladder that required a totally different and stronger medication. As the years went on she would have at least one or two bladder infections a year. As she gained weight the Proin she was on (PPA) would have to be increased and or used creatively (like holding some back to give to her as a booster during the day when she was more active) and even then she would wake up in the morning wet sometimes. I always thought in the back of my mind that quite possibly all of this would take a toll and eventually effect her kidneys. When her breath began to smell like urine last winter, I began to research the reason for it. I read something about kidney failure being the cause and I also found that a dog who was in chronic kidney failure would shed a lot. I noticed that Mocha was shedding a lot more than she used to. I thought it was because she was so heavy, 112 pounds (down from 116 just 6 mos. before) and she was always hot, but then the weight loss was another tip for me. Sam had lost quite a bit of weight in about 6 months before we found out she was sick. Mocha had only lost 4 pounds, but when you aren't trying that's a lot. Then on April 5, just one month before her death, she was in to see the doc for routine shots and such. Her breath was still smelling, but they attributed that to her teeth and age (and I thought perhaps meds). However, she was now down to 94 pounds. She had lost 22 pounds in a year. I was concerned, but the doc said as long as she was still eating well and not showing any signs of being sick I shouldn't be. Just a few weeks after that visit I realized that something had changed suddenly. She was still eating but she wasn't eating her snacks. I bring peanut butter buckets home from the school after we empty them and she and lucy would clean up what we couldn't get out. It wasn't much, but it made them happy. However, this time she didn't want hers. Lucy was more than happy to help her out by cleaning it up for her. So she didn't want her favorite snacks, peanut butter buckets and then I noticed she stopped eating her dry food. I switched to canned food and she ate that, But when I noticed that their water bucket wasn't going down much I knew that she wasn't drinking much either. Her breath had gone from bad to worse. It smelled more like a sewer to me. It was horrendous! I then thought she had another bladder infection, but two days after getting meds for that I realized that this one was different. I called the doc and they told me to bring her in right away. I went there thinking I was just going to get a water patch under the skin and get her hydrated, but in the back of my mind I was hoping it wasn't worse. The doc first thought diabetes because of her breath, but it turned out to be kidney failure. My worst fear had come true. Knowing the cost of the treatment and her history, no guarantee and little hope for success, our choices were limited. I could treat her in hopes that it would work....(having been through it once I knew most likely it wouldn't), I could have them do a water patch and make her comfortable and then take her home to say goodbye and bring her back the following week or just make that awful decision to end her life that day saving her more discomfort. I knew that I couldn't care for her the way I did Samantha. I would carry Sam in and out for potty breaks, Mocha was still 89 pounds at this point (she had lost another 5 p0ound in a month), I wasn't about to be able to lift her and carry her like I did Sam. I also know that we have a one year old Grandson running around and I was concerned that he might hurt her by falling on her. She was nervous enough when he was near her anyway. He also would hang on her and hug her so she wouldn't have had much peace anyway. I knew I couldn't take her home and then bring her back knowing what I was going back for.....but I also didn't think I could put her down then. None of my choices were desirable! I called Jon to get his advice...after all, I would be the only to say goodbye at that point. He advised me to go ahead and have it done. So mustering all the strength I had, most of which was prayed for by myself and others, I walked her back inside. I stayed with her and then brought her back to have her buried at my folks. It was a long trip home and I have been missing her so much ever since. Did I do the right thing? In my mind I did, but it's that nagging doubt that keeps haunting me.....how do I know I did the right thing when I didn't even try to help make her well first?? I gave up on her.....!! The scene of the whole afternoon; the trip to the vet, the entire visit and even her walking right beside me into the building....keep playing over and over in my mind. I keep telling myself I did do the right thing....It wasn't right to make her suffer, I was saving her from so much discomfort....but it's hard to believe all that when you miss her so much. Then of course, there is the beagle, her best friend Lucy, whom has never known life without Mocha....she is missing her the most I think. That makes it harder too. Lucy is lost without Mo. She doesn't want to be alone so when we leave she wets on the carpet. She mopes around as if she is depressed. I try to pay more attention to Lucy now, but it's not the same. She misses her friend!
The cards from friends and even the Vet's office have been so nice. I cried when I read them and in some way I think it helps ease the pain. Although it doesn't do much for Lucy who probably doesn't understand any of this. Her friend left in the car with mom and didn't come back! I would like to get another dog, but Jon doesn't want to. I said the same thing when Sam died, but he's the one who brought Mocha home less than 48 hours later. She was going to have to go to a shelter...he said...she needs a good home! I am a sucker for a pretty/cute face and her little 8 week old fuzzy face was more than I could handle. Of course she can stay! While she only stayed for just over 7 years....like the card from the vet said....she left paw prints on our hearts!!! Maybe some day Jon will let me get another dog.....but there will never be another one like Mo!!!
Mocha Ann Silveus December 24 2003-May 5 2011....we love and miss you!!
